If there’s one skill that can completely change your relationship with your student, it’s listening. Real listening. The kind where they feel heard, understood, and respected—even if you don’t agree with them.

Why does listening matter so much? When kids feel truly listened to, they open up. They share what’s really going on instead of shutting down or hiding. Listening builds trust, lowers defensiveness, and gives you a front-row seat to what's really going on in your student’s life.

But here’s the problem: most of us think we’re good listeners… when in reality, we’re accidentally shutting down conversations before they start. The culprits? Common listening roadblocks that make kids feel dismissed, judged, or powerless.

Let’s talk about the big ones—and more importantly, how to replace them with listening that actually works.

1. Adultisms

Example of an adultism:
“You should know better by now.”

This one comes from a good place—we want to help them grow up and avoid some of the decision we made in our younger years. But when we talk at students instead of with them, they feel like we’re looking down on them instead of walking alongside of them.

The better way:
Instead of telling them what they “should” know, ask open-ended questions like:

“What do you think might work better next time?”

This shows respect for their thinking process and empowers them to problem-solve.

2. Showing Power

Example of showing power:
“You’d better change your attitude or else.”

This approach usually shuts kids down as it feels like a threat, and threats trigger defensiveness, as opposed to motivation.

The better way:
Invite collaboration:

“I can see you’re frustrated with school right now. Let’s figure out what’s making it hard and come up with a plan together.”

3. “You” Messages

Example of a :"you message:"
“You have to study harder or you’ll always get C's and D's.”

“You” messages make students feel attacked and defined by a single behavior. Their response is usually defensiveness instead of actually hearing your concern.

The better way:
Use “I” messages that express your perspective without labeling them.

“I’ve noticed you’ve struggled with studying lately. Is there something going on?”

4. Attacking

Example of attacking:
“It’s your own fault.”

This might feel like telling the truth, but it comes across as blame. Blame rarely leads to growth—it usually just causes shame. And shame is a poor motivator.

The better way:
Focus on the situation, not their character.

“This didn’t go the way you hoped. Let’s look at what happened and see what we can do differently next time.”

5. Minimizing or Downplaying

Example of avoiding:
“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure it’ll be better in the morning.”

It might feel like you’re comforting them, but to your student, it often sounds like you’re brushing off their feelings.

The better way:
Acknowledge their emotion first.

“It sounds like you’re really disappointed about this. Do you want to talk about it or just sit together for a bit?”

The Takeaway

Listening isn’t just about hearing words—it’s about creating a safe place where your student feels safe enough to share the messy, honest stuff. When you strip away adultisms, power plays, “you” messages, attacks, and minimization, you leave room for empathy, understanding, and real problem-solving.

Your student doesn’t need you to have all the answers—they need you to listen well enough to empower them to find their own. That’s how you build trust, confidence, and a relationship strong enough to survive the teenage years (and beyond).

At Beyond Homework Help, we work to break down the barriers to your student's succcess and offer needed support to parents to help their student succeed inside and outside of their academic environment. Learn more about our services at beyondhomeworkhelp.com .